the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
