oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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