Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize