my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
