We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
