i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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