If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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