I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
