im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
