And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
