i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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