think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just threw up on my dentist
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
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