Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Jerry, you need to find god
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
