We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
