im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
