I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
