I'm lost and stupid without you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
