we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
