Soap is not a condiment
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
