i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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