but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
