listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
