i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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