We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
