ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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