i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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