I want to make a zoo with you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
