T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
