You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He better not be in your backpack
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
