he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
3 2 1 whiskey
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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