Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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