By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
