I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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