Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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