Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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