Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
