He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
