when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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