I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
