It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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