im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
