Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
