I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
