Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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