I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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