11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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