I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
