Dual....:-)
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
