I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
