I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
