their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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