No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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